The Art of the Quick Pee®
Here is a guide to guys who have absolutely no time on their hands (unlike me, who has taken time off to write this for you)The Art of the Quick Pee®
Ever encountered a time where u have so much to do (not necc work) or are in such a rush.... but ya still gotta pee. Ahhhh ... pee... something u can't really fight. Becoz if u do, itz jus gonna come back and haunt u again.... like the time u refused to get up to pee at 4am, and then u dreamt about peeing for the next 5 hours? Yesss... now please note that females and males approach the issue of peeing in the middle of the night differently. Females will either take the trouble to get out of bed to pee or if they really hate that, take precautions not to drink anything before they sleep. Guys, on the other hand, do not plan that far ahead. You will normally find the following scenarios:
1) Guys that need to pee (not the really urgent kind, but the on-the-brink-becoming-urgent kind) before they sleep but are too lazy to visit the loo before plonking into bed. This is because this kind of pee does not warrant enough attention, unlike the urgency of sleep.
2) Guys that do not realise drinking a gallon of water before sleeping results in ...... pee.
But I digress. I have come here today to teach u
The Art of the Quick Pee®.
Note again, this is only for guys. For girls, pls refer to KY''s blog. He probably has a better idea. (bwahahaha)
Step 1
The essence of the Quick Pee (QP) is timing. Everything must be smooth. And this starts with proper planning. As soon as the brain alerts u that critical level in your bladder has been reached, start planning. First, finish up any conversations you might be having on MSN with "BRB." Beginners, note that once you have mastered the QP, you may instead write "BRB. QP time."
Step 2
Leave your desk.
Step 3
Make your way towards the toilet. At this time, ensure that you have finished your sms. We will need both hands.
Step 4
Gently (Gentle Dental.... wahahaha) push open the door to the toilet with one hand, while keeping your phone in your pocket with the other. Prepare your mind for the next few steps, becoz this might prove a little complicated for the male mind.
Step 5
As soon as you're out of sight from the general public, i.e. inside the toilet and the door has closed, proceed to unzip. Remember guys, to keep walking. Your mind, if untrained, will automatically have you stand where you are, as it is trained to start peeing as soon as the zip is down. FIGHT IT. You will have to fight hard because
i) You'll have to clean up afterwards
ii) You'll look like an idiot peeing in front of the sinks.
Just keep walking towards the urinals (not the toilet bowls, as will be explained why in the next step)
Now, unzipping early might draw a few stares, but keep in mind, they are guys too. And u probably have more urgent things waiting for you outside anyway. Then again, if the door is like 50 m away from the urinals, use discretion.
Step 6
We have chosen urinals because toilet bowls take a little more time. Sometimes, the toilet bowls aren't automated while urinals usually are, so that will result in a little lost time flushing. Yes, we advocate flushing in this establishment, simply because ammonia is not the lavender of today, as most guys probably think.
Now, here is the critical part. When about 6 steps from the urinal, you may proceed to unholster your weapon, release the beast, flip the whip, handle the mantle, unhook the schlong, defrost the meat or whichever you prefer. But pls remember once again to not get over enthusiastic as we're not quite there yet. Unleashing the Fury might once again get messy, but if you're able to display ample control along with the term, then Unleash away.
PS Spanking the monkey is a whole different ball game and frowned upon in most societies, especially when done 6 steps from the urinal. CRITICAL. Do not confuse.
Step 7
This step requires training. 2 steps from the urinal, you may start to tell your brain to tell your bladder to pee. I believe the no. of steps depends on an individual. Experiment at home until you know what your optimal number of steps are. 2 steps is a benchmark, as it allows you the emergency Step-stretch in case you require more less than 2 steps.
Step 8
In an ideal case, as soon as u reach the urinal, u should be peeing. Now, steady yourself and aim. In a not so ideal case..... you're on your own. Pls see disclaimer in para 57.
Step 9
Wait.
No, there is nothing u can do. Just wait.
Step 10
When you're done, make sure you shake properly. After ensuring you're on empty, proceed to zip up. This is simple, but oh so crucial. Check out Ben Stiller in Something About Mary. The memory still haunts me today.
Step 11
Another thing this establishment advocates strongly is washing your hands. WASH YOUR HANDS DAMMIT!!!
And there we go.
The Art of the Quick Pee®
Thank you very much.
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