Delicious C. Glide

I Love Photocopiers

You know, in my job, i have to go to various offices and work there. And inevitably, I'll have to photocopy shit. I am here today, to describe why I love photocopying. Just today, I decided to photostat something that i needed to file. This was after much deliberation, as my mind grappled with me as to whether i truly truly needed the document and the price of filing it. Why? You will see now....

So after the half an hour long conversation with my brain, I decide that I need the document. So I stand up and make my way to the photocopier. Its quite some distance from our room so I take a leisurely stroll. But first, I have to exit the room. This in itself is a chore, for the genius clients have given us a room the size of toilet to fit the 6 of us. (I exaggerate..) So to get out, I have to turn my colleagues into Human Jungle Gym™ (available from Hole-Mart at $14.99) before I finally reach the door.

So now to make the 2.4KM walk to the photocopier. I stroll down the corridor, looking left and right, trying my best to make the other people feel uneasy. I try my best to catch a glimpse of their screen, to see if anyone is msning and blogging (like me) 20 mins later, when i finally reach the photocopie, I find someone else using it.

So I wait.




and wait.

and wait.


Then i realise that she's photostating the whole friggin Yellow Pages! or something to that extent lah. I consider going abck to the room to wait, but the thought of completing another lap of that distance pains me enough to wait uncomfortably in that small room with her.

Ahhh..the photocopier jams and I smirk with glee. "That's what you get for photostating that much." Somehow an image of getting stuck behind a bus on a one lane road surfaces in my mind and i drift off. When I come to, she's done removing the choke and continues for another 15 mins.

FINALLY, its my turn. I sort out my papers, shave off a little stubble and prepare to do my photostating. Slotting the papers into the top of the copier, I instinctively press the large green button. Satisfied, I step back and admire my work. BOOM! An A3 version of my document exits the copier.

##$%!%&^*

So i mess around with the miniscule touchscreen on the confounded machine and try to return to default. Clearly convinced I have that covered, I depress the green button again. SCORE! I watch the freshly printed sheets gracefully glide on top of one another in the other slot. I fold my arms and wait for all 150 pages to print when halfway a scream exits my throat as I realise my documents are double sided.

*ARRRHHHHH* as I furiously fumble with the buttons trying to get the machine to stop printing and wasting my time... i mean paper! When i scrabbling fingers finally hit the red Cancel button, the machine grinds to a halt. I look around and spot a few eyes quickly averting their gaze. Taking the opportunity, I quickly grab the whole stack and shove it into the dustbin. SCORE!

"Nobody saw that cept you God. Dear God, please allow more trees to grow. Amen" I say a quick prayer before trying again. Once again, I start to fiddle with the control panel, to get a double-sided copy going. Notice how they never have words on their screens, jus symbols. So I look for the symbol that has one page behind another... u know which one i'm talking about? After filtering through about a million menus, I see it and stab my finger at it. In all my excitment, I stab too hard and cause a pseudo-permanent fingerprint on the touchscreen. SCORE!

So I nervously depress the large green button again, hoping everything will be well this time and also wishing for World Peace. Same difference...

Great. I spent so long programming it, the blooming machine went to sleep. "Warming up" it sez... "Printing will start when machine has warmed up" it sez... 'I'm so gonna wreck this sunuvabitch" I sez.

5 years have passed and the printing has started. All is well. The rhytmic clanking of the machine lulls me into a stupor. As i dream of Excel spreadsheets and flying calculators, I am rudely awakened by a "screaming" alarm! The machine has jammed! .... and has also decided to give off that humiliating shriek that all photostating machines do when they're either out of paper or choked with paper.

I stand around and instinctively try to look cool. (Don't all Singaporean guys do that when they're in a humiliating situation? U know, like shift their weight to one leg, fold their arms abit, try to look nonchalant, like they dun care and a slight smirk on their face. Do not let this fool you. They ARE embarressed. ) But soon enough, my brain alerts me that looking cool will not get me out of this one. So I unfold my arms and desperately try to stop the humiliation. After finding out bashing the machine on the side a few times doesn't get me anywhere but a few disapproving frowns from the staff, I try to open the machine. This involves more strength than the bashing as the phtostating companies have reached a consensus that industrial strength magnets are needed to hold the doors of the copier in, ignoring that most of the office staff are pale, skinny, weak-assed couch potatos. (My bro will love them all)

Lucky for me I am a strong-assed, macho, determined Singapore alpha-male. Watch me as I...*grunt*... force ... *groan* ... open.. *grunt* the door of the photocopier.

finally, I get it open; with the help of both feet. The humliating beeping finally stops and my basal instinct to look cool gradually fades away. So I focus on the task at hand and search for the choke. I don't find it at first, so I open more doors. Finally, after leaving the copier looking like the mouth of the Predator in the movies, I see the paper stuck in the inner recesses of the copier. Ha! I found ya! Now I shall dislodge ya!

I promptly stuff my hand into the copier...... completely forgetting that the metal is HOT!!!! SCORE!! 36000Escaping with nothing more than 3rd degree burns, i think of an alternative.

20 mins later..nada. But by this time, the copier has cooled down. So I try to reach for the paper again. My fingers advance past many obstacles, twisting and turning with the corridors of components. (Think Star Wars and the chase down the Death Star). AHA! Almost ther......... My advance comes to a halt. Like any typical Singaporean alpha male, I fail to comprehend why at first, preferring to try and make a few more attempts at advacing before stopping to think. "Ahhh..my arm is only so small. It cannot go in anymore because the gap is too small." My brain imforms me before the full impact finally hits me.

Ahhhhh!! That means I can't get it out! And the whole office will blame me for spoiling their only copier! ahhhh!! Desperation is a powerful emotion. It can change your whole life, give you strength that you never knew you had. It can even extend your limbs.

After removing the offensive sheet (ahahaha... bloody sheet oso can.) I check the console for instructions. It sez replace ALL the papers into the slot and the machine will start again. So I do.. the machine counts all the paper before arriving at the page it stopped at and starts to print again. "How ineffiecient." I say to myself.

The machine hears me and promptly chokes itself. At about this time, I kick the door in and use its cousin, the fax machine, to destroy the photocopier.


Score that, bitch. Hahahahahha...

PS not all of the above is true.

posted by clownz @ 11:20 AM